As I lie in bed at 4AM, my mind lockjawed upon some trivial piece of fucked-up data in somebody's half-assed database, I wonder to myself, do I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder or am I (like my mother, father, sister, and, in some sense, my children) just an adult child of an alcoholic, with all the delusional and obsessive things that follow from that?
When mom used to talk about the ACA thing, I always used to tune her out, thinking, "I'm an alcoholic myself, I don't have time for all that namby-pamby shit." Years on, I can see that I fit much of the ACA bill: workaholic, rejection averse, guilt-ridden. Then again, much of it I don't fit, and I'm not really keen on getting back into another 12-step program with all the heavy groupspeak thing. But maybe that's just resistance speaking.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
OCD or ACA?
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For anyone who finds this post via Google, let me just say that, 6 years in change after posting it (and having forgotten about it entirely), I found myself going to Al-Anon meetings, and they have been and continue to be tremendously helpful, maybe transformative, for my life. It's funny looking back at this post. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking or whose database I'm referencing, but I know it would have done me a world of good to have made an effort then, or to have even been going to AA regularly.
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