Shifting gears

With Graham headed off to college on Wednesday, I realized we have a few lasts coming up. The yard needed mowing, so I had Graham mow it for perhaps the last time that it will be part of his normal portfolio of responsibilities. I settled up his allowance account (run for years on a Google document for both kids) for maybe the last time. Etc.

The fact that I am no longer on the LFA Board continues to sink in each time I look at something in the park and think "fuck it."

At the AA meeting this morning, they needed someone to lead next week. I'm kind of underintegrated into that meeting so I said I'd do it, kind of against my better judgment, the internal voice saying that I don't really need more relationships now, that what I really need to do is focus on being with Mary.

Last night Graham unexpectedly got called over to Jake's house to hang out with Jake (shortly headed off to State) and Ben (to Wash U in St Louis). He texted around 9 to say he would be home late. Turns out they got pizza and watched Ocean's 11 ("the 2001 version" -- not that I knew there had been another one). It's great that he's doing these things and continues to forge relationships, something he didn't do as much of when he was young as I did. 

It is funny, and entirely accidental, by the way, that at this point in time (just one paragraph later) in the post I find myself back at the question of establishing relationships. In the most simplistic sense, I think I was of necessity more outwardly focused when I was young because at the center my dad was so questionable. He was kind of there, but often not. In my perception at the time, my mom was always there, sometimes a little too much so (but that turned out to be a salvation when I had my crises in my 20s).

My goal for my kids has always present, but just here enough, not excessively domineering. It has been a hard balance to keep. In a decade or two we'll get a fuller assessment of how Mary and I did at striking a balance.

For tonight, in any case, we are hosting Graham's first/new girlfriend and her mom. Graham told me she had an 8:30 curfew, so we are hoping that by meeting the mom she'll see that we are a solid and reliable family and maybe the mom will let her daughter stay out late enough for an evening movie.