Being in the group

This morning I had signed up to speak at an AA meeting, which would be the first time I "qualified" (as we used to say in NYC) in a couple of decades. I was all ready to go, then the meeting leader said someone else was speaking. It was a little confusing. Fortunately I hadn't bothered to really write anything down, since I had only 15 minutes to speak and that's really nothing when you're telling your whole alcohol and recovery life story.

But I did have a moment in there where I was like "what the fuck?" Part of my desire to speak to this group was really to introduce myself to it better. I only started going there with any regularity 6 months or so before COVID kicked off, so I was figuring that telling my story would integrate me into it better. Being inexplicably passed over at the last second like that brought back feelings of rejection from younger days.

But then it also reminded me of how I've been able to handle rejection over the course of my life. I've become pretty good at walking away from a group of people where I'm perhaps not altogether welcome (or just perceive that to be the case) and settling in with others. Plus I do pretty well by myself. I have plenty of toys, plenty of things to do. In reality, even in this period of lockdown, I've never lacked for activities, only time. Even as I type I'm supposed to call my mom and coordinate going for a walk. The sun is shining and it's going to be a lovely day.

Now I'm signed up to speak the day after Christmas. The odds are pretty good that I won't be hung over, so it should be fine.