A dream

I dreamt last night about a friend, also a former client, who had engaged me in the dream (can't recall whether she professionally retained me or just asked me for help) sorting out something to do with her family history, something a brother did or something. Over the course of the dream I got more and more confused about what was being asked of me and what I was supposed to figure out, but I recall that it went deep into the past and involved layers of odd stuff and lots of money and I think even a little blood and it was really confusing. I also remember feeling a little panicked and embarrassed at my inability to sort it out, and kind of ashamed before her that I hadn't made much progress, but the fact was that the scope of my engagement was not well-defined and I couldn't sit her down to change that. In many ways, the dream was not unlike my experience of working with her in real life. It was an atypical engagement for me, working remotely, and we never quite figured out how best I could add value for her. So it ended. The dream was, of course, weirder and more dramatic.

This is someone with whom I had been romantically involved briefly many years ago, in a confusing time when I was coming out of another relationship. At the time all I really knew about her, in my 21-year old limited perception, was that she was charming, cute, super-smart and very hard-working, and that she came from a university town just like me. I thought she was basically a less dissolute female version of myself, a better me.

Only later did I learn that she came from a very wealthy family that may even have been in America longer than my own (i.e. pre-1760s), that some ancestor of hers had been Secretary of the Treasury back in the 50s-60s, etc. In short, old money, old enough that she felt no need to display it. And now as an adult she has really quite earnestly set about trying to use her wealth to do good in the world, educating children and working to battle a tropical disease somewhere in the southern hemisphere while raising children of her own and being a good spouse too.

But in many ways the burden of wealth is hard on her because it seems she must judge herself by a different scale, a more heroic one. Perhaps it is good for others because this burden -- (cf. Harold Bloom and the anxiety of influence) drives her to do more for the world, but it strains her.

And now we come to the point. I think I am very fortunate to come from a more modest background in which the burden of expectations is lighter. It is relatively easy for me to do get to the end of my day and feel that I have done enough, because I am not trying to measure up to ancestors who jumped off the charts.

I have only to wrestle with my task list and serving my clients and family, which is more than enough to keep my busy. On with the day.